Can you hear me now?

Dear cellphone companies of Canada, hear me roar!

Dealing with my cellphone is like combat with what I imagine my future mother in-law to be; difficult and ultimately a battle that I can’t win. From constant technical errors, hidden charges, and laughable customer service centers from (insert Indian accent) “Toronto”; that weight in my purse often translates to a weight on my mind. But these routine conflicts are nothing compared to what I’m now facing. It’s been three years and it’s time to start over.

I am standing on a precipice. One misstep and I’ll be stuck so deep in contract regulations that it’ll take way longer than 127 hours to gnaw my way to freedom. Rather than take the plunge, I considered taking a step back, enjoying a simpler way of life and recovering from the constant perception that my purse/backpack/pocket is vibrating.

I miss the good ol' days when your network just referred
to the tangle of strings connecting you to the other kids
 in the hood.

With my dedication to going retro, I went mobile-free for two weeks while traveling around Amurrica.

NEVER AGAIN.  

While other tourists were taking in the sights, I was constantly on the lookout for a payphone (fun fact: harder to find than a gum-free sidewalk). The salespeople and senior citizens that I asked for directions routinely pitied me and offered me their personal cellphones. One of my charitable donors attributed my ridiculous lack of technology to the fact that “Canada ain’t got cellphones yet”.  Unfortunately sir, we do have cellphones but we also have the super sneaky cellphone conglomerates to match.

Now having returned to Canadia, I have resigned myself to the fact that the next few weeks will involve in-depth research, pitting different companies against each other, and ultimately signing my life away for another three years.

Thank you cellphone companies of Canada. You put the hell in hello.